is it break yet?

So... I haven't been a good student lately.  I've lost all incentive to get homework in on time... or at all.  And that's pretty unlike me.  I've always been pretty apathetic about schoolwork, but I've always gotten it done on time.  But lately I've just lost energy and sense of consequences about doing homework.

I'm pretty sure I just need a break. Some time to just sit and exist.  Time to journal and figure life out.  Time to do refreshing things like spend time with friends and my family and laughing. 

I think my heart has been aching for this for a while, which is why I've been filling my free time with people and then being overwhelmed by school because I didn't make time for homework.  It's hard to take care of yourself and balance life's requirements.

I need to go play in the leaves.

"O God, our Father, we know that by ourselves we can do nothing. If we try to face our work by ourselves, we collapse beneath our burdens and our responsibilities. Our bodies become exhausted; our minds grow weary; our nerves are tensed beneath the strain.

If we try to face our temptations by ourselves, the fascination of the wrong things is too strong. Our resistance is defeated, and we do the things we know we should never do, because we cannot help it.

If we try to face our sorrows by ourselves, there is nothing to heal the wound upon our hearts, nothing to dry the fountain of our tears, nothing to comfort the loneliness which is more than we can bear.

If we try to face our problems by ourselves, we cannot see the right way; and, even when we see it, we cannot take it; and even when we take it, we cannot follow it to the end.

If we try to rid ourselves of faults by ourselves, we are forever defeated; the same sins conquer us; and we are never any farther on."


There is more to this prayer written by H. Norman Wright, but I just really like this part. I feel like it fits where my heart is and has been lately, and it's nice to be supplied the words that I couldn't find on my own. 

learning from the past.

I spent some of this evening reading through my journal from my freshman year of college.  I do this periodically to gain perspective on my life and how I've changed over the years.  I hardly even remember the person who wrote what I was reading today. 
The first conclusion I drew was that she was so self righteous.  She had big dreams of changing the world, and she was confident in her beliefs and her God.  She was excited about serving God with her whole life and loved to talk about him.  She gave up an important friendship because she felt like she was condoning his selfish, sinful behavior.  She spent all summer studying the end times and Revelation and reading the Left Behind series, and was so intrigued.  She lived in a world of black and white.
Now, I am surprised by how skeptical and cynical I have become.
I think, since then, I have experienced reality, and reality is hard.  And now I have the choice of either living in the bitterness of reality or finding a joy that makes living in reality worth it.

A white blank page and a swelling rage...

Today, I'm sad for the world.

I'm sad for the parents that must grieve their child's untimely death, for the wars in the Middle East, Asia, Africa, and all over the world that are the only reality that some kids know, for the bubble that we as college students and Americans live in, the separation of us from God.
It's easy for me to just get upset and shut down and numb myself to life.  In fact, I'm still learning how to experience life...
But I just feel that there's something about this world and it's broken, selfish people that is worth investing my heart in.  I guess we can't know joy without the understanding of sorrow.

Joy

So there's this blog that I read constantly. http://thepolishedpickle.blogspot.com/.  It is written by a Mormon wife and mother of three (soon to be four).  She photographs the most trivial things of life, but I love seeing pictures of their family camping, sleeping, or doing a puzzle together.  And I feel like every time she blogs, she is so filled with joy to be where she is, doing what she is.  Her words are bursting with love for her husband and boys.  It does my heart so much good to read her blog, to see her joy for life, her family, and her friends.
And I want my life to exude that much love, care, and joy. But I've let my heart be overrun by bitterness and frustration for a while now.  But I crave the life that she lives.  It's how we should all live: content with where we are and filled with God's love. 
Guess I need to work on both of those things...

Ah, ignorance.

I'm in this counseling diverse populations class this semester.  Diversity studies are not new to me... I took Women's Studies my freshman year, and a multicultural education back when I was going to be a teacher.  So I'm sure I'm more aware of prejudices and privilege than the average White kid in my class from a small town in Indiana.  And I've already found myself losing all grace and understanding for the people in my class who have never been challenged to think differently about diversity. Even though that was mostly me back in middle school and probably most of high school.  If we don't make people realize that their ignorance is perpetuating prejudices, is it their fault or ours? I'm realizing that my intolerance and irritation with these people, though coupled with righteous anger, is counter-productive and wrong.

Thinking about this makes me feel like I want to work with kids.  This summer, a 10 year old kid told me a really offensive joke and he didn't even know what it meant.  Once I explained to him what it meant and he understood why I got upset, he seemed remorseful.  And that's just what kids do... they repeat things they hear to make people laugh.  Gosh, even adults do this. But if kids don't learn respect and acceptance, how can we expect them not to discriminate when they're older?

First of Many?

I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while now... and I think I've hesitated so much because it's intimidating.  I journal pretty regularly, and I'm used to not having a filter at all when I write.  And here, I must write with the possibility that someone could read it.
But here I am.... hanging out at work and thinking about how much I want a great dane.  Like this little guy....

Hopefully on another day I'll have some wisdom to contemplate.  If not, this blog is just gonna be filled with puppies.  Not that I would mind, of course.